Jonathan Spencer's Tales of Ordinary Wisdom » Personal

More on Divorce and relationship difficulties

jonathan — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 17:29:43 +0000

At the time of relationship difficulties, you sometimes forget why you got there or what could get you out. On avergae 45% of marriages end in divorce, and this jumps to around 60%+ for second marriages. Very often at this stressful time you get skewed visions of each other and what may or may not have gone on and why. Sometimes you even look at a partners previous marriage or relationship without having any idea of what went on or why things were said and use this as evidence to back your own claims. Its a mistake

I found this interesting list of the top 10 reason s for marraige break up

Top 10 Reasons Why Marriages end in divorce or separation

10 – Not Doing the Little Things – films show marriages as grand loves. But, in the real world, marriages are made up of the little things – taking out the trash, picking up the kids from school, wiping down the shower or picking up your pants If there are frusterations over the little things, it can erode the whole marriage.

9 – Sweating the small stuff – As a counterpoint, if you stress out over unimportant things, you are dooming your marriage to the bin

8 – Spending too much time apart – If friends, work, or hobbies take too much time away from your marriage, the bonds can begin to erode.

7 – Criticising and nagging – These two things can eat away at the soul of a marriage, your comments to your partner need to build up not tear down.

6 – Not consulting the other person about purchases – The family budget must cover the family needs. If one person makes purchases that significantly impact the overall budget without consulting the other person, there is going to be hurt and anger.

5 – Letting yourself go – You spent a considerable amount of effort pursuing and attracting your spouse. That effort shouldn’t have ended on your wedding day or soon thereafter. If you are no longer working to make yourself attractive to your spouse, you must assume that he or she will look elsewhere.

4 – Playing the victim – Is it always his fault? Did she make you do it? If you feel like you are the victim in the relationship, it probably won’t last much longer.

3 – Not fighting fair – You are entitled to your legitimate feelings, but when disagreements occur, you must keep your arguments real and relevant. Avoid character assassination. Remain task oriented rather than accusatory. And, allow your partner to retreat with dignity.

2 – Spilling secrets – There are things in your marriage that should only be between the two of you. When you tell your friends or family members about things that shouldn’t be shared, you erode the bonds of the marriage. This is a matter of trust.

1 – No sex – When the sex has gone out of the marriage, the relationship is in trouble. Unless you can rekindle the flame, you are probably headed to divorce court.

Its simple really isn’t it, marriage takes alot of work, is a struggle, but has immense benefits, its not all plain sailing or getting your own way, its full of compromise but if it can be done with Love then you are on the way to success. So you have to ask…do you want to save your amrriage, are you willing to put in the real effort, that means change and compromise…not just for your partner but for you.

You could start by

Seeing Things From Positive point of view
When we are in the middle of an argument, it is easy for us to see everything in a negative way. A simple thing can arouse our anger and resentment, making your marriage situation even worse.

Try to cool your head and see things in a positive way, maybe laugh at whats going on, because really the way the toothpaste is squuezed is more funny than important.

Find The Reason To Keep Together

It is easy to say: “oh, I have enough with her, I want to divorce”. It takes strong reason to keep your marriage.

Find a reason why you want to keep your marriage. Maybe because they have things that compliment, support or even challenge your views or even deep down inside you still love your partner so much, or

Whatever the reason, you need to find a strong reason to keep your marriage from divorce first.

Watch Your Words

This does not mean keep deadly silent
Watch your words carefully. Because wrong words can make a disaster that you can never fix again.

When talking with your partner during this time, don’t try to make things worse with associating the wrong feeling. Always avoid confrontation whenever possible.

And always talk about the happy moments you two had at once. This will bring back association about the happy times you two had.

Find The Root Of The Problem

Whatever you do, there is a time when you have to face the root of the problem. Find the root of the problem and solve it once and for all. Don’t delay it or the same problem will arise again in the further.

When the same problem arise again, it will be harder to solve.

Birth and Babies – Pressures on your relationship

No one is allowed to be a child

jonathan — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 22:17:29 +0000

What have we done to our children, that they no longer are allowed to be children? Cossetted, protected, given everything, encouraged to gow up and mature so quickly. Yet their innocence rather than being in the majority taken by predators is corrupted in the home if not by abusive adults then by the abuses of disallowing their childhood by subtle means. The Tv, Gaming and networking we allow them is a presentation of a pseudo adult world that belittles any childish existence and robs it of its validity.

This is not surprising as childish behaviour in adults is seen perhaps as the lowest form of humor, or as a weakness or something to belittle. We do not respect the child in our selves so how can we truly respect our children and their childhood. Oh yes we throw up legal protection and talk about safeguarding children, but his is not from a love of childhood but a fear of ourselves.

We appear to save the children, and on the other hand present them with opportunities to abandon their child hood as quickly as they can. That cant be so I hear you cry, but if the top games on the X box are: Grand Theft Auto, Halo and various Star Wars battle adventures, then these are not childish play but presentations of cold unfeeling violence, theft, hatred, and any other vice you care to name. It is as subtle a brainwashing as the way “problems” in maths were presented in early twentieth century text books that belittled people of non european racial backgrounds or others in the lower socio economic order.

Its bothe girls and boys who are presented with early sexualisation , a drive for personal gratification and the subtleties of the pursuit of violence. My 13 year old son would deny all this and says it doesn’t effect him. Not consciously but what of the unconscious.

What of my daughters, whose mothers and grandmothers struggled to create a more equitable place in the world for them and where by the age of 13 that place is being offered in a totally remolded form.

We need to re respect children and childhood, , we need to know it and understand it in ourselves, my worry is for many of us it was so traumatic we are trying to remove it everywhere we find it. There is so much more to say on this subject.

Have you seen this rabbit? (Marks and Spencers Floppy legs Bunny comforter)

jonathan — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 12:47:00 +0000

Help…..no really…. help! I need this marks and spencer soft bunny rabbit for my daughter, we only have one and twice now have nearly lost it, and then she doesn’t sleep properly. I found one on ebay but someone was willing to pay a hell of a lot to outbid me, probably for the same reason.

My daughter was given a number of beautiful and high quality, expensive soft toys by friends and relatives, yet it was an M & S soft bunny with long legs, long soft ears and a white tee shirt that she chose has her constant companion and sleep aid (transitional object)

please contact me if you have or find such a bunny on your travels

Update to this post here

No related posts.

My Toddler hasn’t slept properly in 6 weeks (neither have I)

jonathan — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 10:08:56 +0000

So the baby now 20 months was a great sleep, we had her in a great routine and she went down easily slept through the night and woke up in good temper. Then suddenly this stopped, she began not wanting to go to bed, waking in the night calling for mummy. Towards the middle of the first week we bought Gina Fords complete sleep guid and tried to put it in practise. By the end of the week we felt guilty as hell and were deciding GF was a bit of too regimental and unfeeling for us.

“The Complete Sleep Guide For Contented Babies and Toddlers” (Gina Ford)

By the end of the week she was really quite ill, with a raging temperature up around 39.5. Then she developed diarrhoea and her stomach has not been the same since, now she complains that her tummy hurts alot of the time and is not just aware of passing urine and stool but is frightened of it, despite now having gotten over the illness. We gave up with GF and just went on consoling and lowering the fear factor in our sick child.

The illness and its after effects have dragged on depite seeing 2 doctors a health visitor and now a homeopath (who is at last someone who can help). She sleeps through the nigh rarely and now wakes at 5. She doesn’t want a bath never mind bed, if she wakes in the night she 1 out of 10 times can put herself back to sleep and now she has developed a cough.

So if your child suddenly develops an allergy to going to bed or sleeping problems after being fine with bed time, don’t automatically reach for a baby sleep manual, it could just be that she is ill, about to be ill or genuinely needs help as she reaches a life stage whee she becomes more aware of her individuality and seperartion. When we sat down and thought about it in our tired and emotional state recently, we remembered she had been ill last year in the same way (with a weeks lead in time and disturbed sleep).

We may go back to Gina Ford, as she has some good points but following one persons view religiously without trusting your own experience and gut feelings is, in my opinion, a mistake.

“The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night: Foreword by William Sears, M.D.: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep … Foreword by William Sears, M.D. (Pantley)” (Elizabeth Pantley)

One last thing, we did put her back in her grobag sleeping bag, we had taken her out of it thinking she had out grown it, where in fact it does seem to make her more cozy (its only a light weight 1 tog) If you dont know what a grobag is see this wiki link… Sleeping bag (infant)

Lets get married

jonathan — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 20:15:00 +0000

So after a divorce and swearing I would never do it again, i got married!

It was such a lovely day.

No related posts.

Heather Mills McCartney

jonathan — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 10:57:00 +0000

I wonder whether the media are preparing to send Heather Mills down the David Icke Road of Sad, Bad and Mad. Yes heather mills who married Paul McCartney and didn’t get on with his kids.
I am not sure if I have the right order there. First they say you are sad, then bad and finally claim you are mad and in this way everything you say and do is discredited. I say this because something about Heather Mills and saying rats milk would solve food problems was in the paper today. And no matter what she does she is being made to look bad and mad, from the photos being printed in the press to the way the Tv coverage is slanted.
I also wonder why it is we love to vilify women who are outspoken and articulate and put over a representation of themeselves that is not subservient. Even in todays climate of a nod at equality or what i would call quasi-equality, successful women still have to appear a little subservient to the male system.
Look at the message sent out in The Devil Wears Prada, in a fine performance by Meryl Streep we learn that tough business women lose their husbands and have to hurt their friends in order to succeed but a women who follows her man and his career finds love and happiness.

“The Devil Wears Prada [2006]” (David Frankel)

I know little about Paul McCartney except he was once one of the lovable liverpudlian fab four and then later married to the vegitarian Linda Eastman (she of Kodak-Eastman..the camera people). and had a band called Wings. He has vast sums of money and has projected a lovable image and produced many, slightly sickly, in my opinion, but very popular songs.
However to me in all this he doesn’t look good and the worse the media paint his wife Heather Mills the more of it sticks to him, and Jonathan Ross and the thing about her being a liar (even about her leg) was just rubbish. I like Ross’s humour but that just was spiteful …I have heard it say he’s seen in McCartney’s company too.
So why am I bothered, i mean its just two highly paid entertainers battling it out, and it sells newspapers. I care because i think people in these powerful positions should set examples, and the need to be good examples, this is the responsibility that money brings. These two people don’t realise this. In this grasping world what exactly is this battle exemplifying….except greed corruption desire spite and also the position of women in our society, shame on you both.

“The Unsinkable Heather Mills: The Unauthorized Biography” (Neil Simpson)

No related posts.

Autumn Days by Estelle white

jonathan — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 13:12:00 +0000

My son was asking about this as a favourite of the school assembly and always liked as a song for junior school, year 6 leavers is I thought I would put up the lyrics:

Autumn days, when the grass is jewelled
And the silk in a chestnut shell
Jet planes meeting in the air to be refuelled
All these things I love so well
So I mustn’t forget
No, I mustn’t forget
To say a great big thank you
No, I mustn’t forget.

Clouds that look like familiar faces
And winter’s moon with frosted rings
Smell of bacon as I fasten up my laces
And the song the milkman sings.
So I mustn’t forget
No, I mustn’t forget
To say a great big thank you
No, I mustn’t forget.

Whipped-up spray that is rainbow-scattered
And a swallow curving in the sky
Shoes so comfy though they’re worn out and they’re battered
And the taste of apple pie.
So I mustn’t forget
No, I mustn’t forget
To say a great big thank you
No, I mustn’t forget.

Scent of gardens when the rain’s been falling
And a minnow darting down a stream
Picked-up engine that’s been stuttering and stalling
And a win for my home team.

So I mustn’t forget
No, I mustn’t forget
To say a great big thank you
No, I mustn’t forget.

“Hymns for Use in Schools” (Oxford University Press)

Technorati Tags: lyrics, school, Singer, assembly

No related posts.

Innoculation the battle over babies

jonathan — Sun, 20 May 2007 10:30:00 +0000

So it nears the time and though I did not get my other two children vaccinated. It was because my ex-wife and I believed similar things. My new partner is a health professional AND INSISTS SHE WILL TAKE OUR CHILD TO BE VACCINATED. She will not read any of the websites such as the “informed parent” as she says they are unbiased as they campaign against vaccines.

If I find something with research and stats say against the DPT vaccine she will not look.

I am scared for my little daughter, perhaps everything will be alright, and she will not be ill, have convulsions and all will be well. Perhaps I and my children (all unvaccinated) will die of tetanus or small pox.

What can I do, what might I say to persuade or show her another side.Â Why am I so frightened of the vaccine but not of the illness. Why don’t I trust Doctors, the pharmaceutical industry, medical research and so on. I trust my gut instincts some vague anti immunization research and a thousand websites and people saying their children were damaged.

Do we now live in a time when life in the western world is os good we can live clean healthy lives and see vaccinations as an evil. I am confused. If she (my partner takes my daughter to be immunised and she is damaged, what should i do? To whom can I turn, tell me your story, lend me your advice…what do you think I want to hear your comments.

“Vaccination: A Guide for Making Personal Choices” (Hans-Peter Studer)

Technorati Tags: baby, vaccine

Birth and Babies – Pressures on your relationship

jonathan — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:08:00 +0000

Most people will tell you having a baby draws you closer together, because it is a wonderful and miraculous thing. It involves a special shared intimacy and care both for the baby and your partner. However pregnancy, birth and the babies early months can put a lot of pressure on your relationship.

Pregnancy itself puts everyone into a different space as a pregnant women goes through a multitude of physiological and psychological changes and it follows so does the person she is with. Intimate relationships, and I mean intimate not just sexual, can change dramatically and after the birth even more so. This is because a woman’s focus of intimacy changes, many adults before the birth of a first child would appear to practice child rearing on their partner. If you wonder what I am talking about, then just think of common terms of endearment like ‘baby’ and active diminutives like adding ’little’ to other terms of endearment.

I certainly found myself slightly embarrassed to find my self calling my new daughter by similar names that had previously been terms of endearment between my wife and I.

The pressure is incredibly increased during and after the birth. I think for many men whilst beautiful and miraculous birth and watching your partner give birth is also highly truamatic. Even more so if it goes wrong and probabaly for the first time in their lives the man feels the weight of someones life on their shoulders and in their hands.

Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus

After the birth everything needs to be revisioned in an environment of love and care, but this is not always possible, as illness, tiredness, personal traits and more can get in the way.Â Men can end up in their caves ( as in Men are from Mars Women are from Venus) while women can wonder where it all went wrong.

This is the point where in part you have to trust and in other parts you need to work very hard to draw things together. For women often very tired from broken nights, and feeling the baby blues, everything can look bleak and like they have had a baby with an uncaring cold uninterested man who is more interested in (strike out what doesn’t apply) golf/thenews/computers/TV/the pub/ than your lovely baby. For 99.9% I doubt this is true but men do withdraw to an inner or outer space (golf computing TV etc) when they are under stress in order to try and sort things out in themselves. Women under stress can be more demanding of social/intimate behaviour… talking cuddling and each can see the other as being and feeling negative if they don’t sort this out quickly.

I think some relationships are made in heaven and just sail along in a beautiful symbiosis, most don’t, they need work and energy applied to them, and you apply this energy because you care for and love your partner. This refocusing on your partner can really help. As a man you have the opportunity to do little things, like buy small gifts or flowers (not just immediately after the birth but as often as you can), dont leave a women to breastfeed on her own, or if you are on bottles take part of the routine as yours (the middle of the night feed gets big brownie points). Do something spontaneous, the other evening I took some ice cream up to the nursery where my partner was breastfeeding the baby and fed it to her…she loved it. Just making her a cuppa can show you care. For the women, you need to let him go off and do the male loner thing if he wants, just once in a while. He can sort his head out and will come back a better person.

You may find all that cuddling the baby means you do not get to cuddle each other very much, remember to maintain a personal relationship you need intimacy that is sustained. This means dont forget to kiss and cuddle each oher, but also (men especially) remember you partner will be building a strong and important bond with your baby, just as you will but it can often be to the exclusion of you, don’t be worried or put out by this, she still loves you but for a while the baby needs to come first, your intimacy can come from a shared connection to the baby.

Your Baby – The First Six Months

OK well I have covered some of the peaks and pitfalls that birth can bring, and want to tell you my own baby is now getting on fine, even sleeping, and my older children have been ten times more interested than I thought they would be, even my son complained the other day he was not getting enough cuddles with the baby, And I am workjing to love and suport my partner and go to work and am every day more in love with our amazing miracle baby. What I have found too, is my love for my other two children has increased and my desire to be more loving and a good person has expanded……bloody hell, a white light will be coming out of the sky with angelic music, I better stop here.

Technorati Tags: baby, communication, relationships

A New Baby – Colic

jonathan — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 10:21:00 +0000

Perhaps I spoke too soon , as our baby continued not to sleep and to exhibit signs of digestion discomfort and colic. We began to realise that when she did sleep this was due to total exhaustion (imagine how we felt) and whilst in all other respects she was fine and lovely as well, the sleep and feed thing was wearing us down.

Now having got over it I thought I would write a little on what we did to help. All the books say all sorts of things which if you do not have a conformist baby, is just plain crap. Much better to trust your instincts and be loving and caring, The sears Fussy baby book is very helpful on this, but otherwise here is what we did.

The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High-need Child from Birth to Five (William Sears, Martha Sears)

Isis was hardly sleeping at all, would exhibit discomfort towards the end of her feeds that would continue to the next feed, by the time we got into the run up to bed she might be feeding every hour. She did not bring up wind easily and her poos were explosive to say the least…it seemed as if she was trying to pass all her wind through herbowel One tuesday the health visitor arrived to find the baby crying and my partner crying and everything going awry.

I took my second week of paternity leave to support her.

Firstly we took her to the cranial osteopath and asked her to concentrate on her stomach. The osteopath noticed that Isis stomach was very tense and showed elaine by getting her to feel, before and after treatment with the babies stomach. Even though we had taken her to the doctor for a 6 month check and numerous mid-wives and health visitors had looked at her, it was the osteopath who noticed she had a supra-umbilical hernia. This was not complicated by anything else and ruled out as a problem.

We did take Isis to the children’s hospital, on the advice of the health visitor…who said we should do it to rule out things like reflux being a problem….very caring, but a dirty dingy depressing place, where the appeared to me (not my partner who works for the NHS) to latch on to our mention of reflux and ended up giving us ritidine and Calpol.( paracetemol suspension) I am thankful we did not use them. I am of the opinion not to use any drugs on a baby unless it is a medical emergency and all other paths of healing have been exhausted.

I bought some fennel tea and made some up for the baby and got my wife and I to drink a digestif tea of fennel, mint, licorice, and other herbs and hoped a little of it would pass through to the baby. I used the excellent homeopathy for mother and babyâ book to diagnose for the baby and got some Carbo Veg and put it in cooled boiled water.

What we also bought was Infocol and Gripe Water. In the end we felt she had got into a pattern of passing wind through and her stomach had become tense and found things difficult to digest. Fennel is warming on the stomach and a great digestive, depending on the type of colicky behaviour Chamomile can also help. Carbo Veg is good for Colic and exhaustion and a 6x dose seemed to help her if given a little before a feed.

However its probably the old fashioned Infacol and Gripe water that saved the day.

So there it is …stop colic with:

Cranial Osteopathy
Homeopathy
Gripe Water
Infacol
and Fennel Tea.

We did try Colief and thought it might be working but stopped using it, after not getting any permanent results.

she still has her moments but we are getting some rest and it all seems to lighten up.

If your baby suffers from colic, or colicky spectrum behaviour, s/he is in some discomfort, hold them love them, most of all stay as calm as you can.Â Most remedies like homeopathy and osteopathy and even infacol do not give immediate relief, they take time, sometimes a week or so, or a couple of sessions to really get going.

At 9 weeks she began with help to sleep through the night from 9/10 to 6, this was with “cluster feeding” in the hours before putting her down.

Technorati Tags: baby, colic, parenting